Associated Pressed (California) - Researchers have stumbled upon an entity of black matter existing in Pennsylvania. Nicknaming this dark matter location "C*m Slut Jack", scientists from the Academy of Ingenio Niteflirts, Mistress Ripe Lily, and colleague Mistress Naughty Eve, have declared this apparent vortex to be able to sustain extreme stretching.
Experiments conducted this Labor Day, September 3rd, 2007, found that entire water bottles could enter this amazing backside vortex. Were it not for the attached bungee cords, the plastic containers might have disappeared up the Black Hole sphincter, for all eternity! Also introduced to the testing zone were shampoo bottles, and beyond all belief, 3 bananas at one time.
Of note, was a geographic anomaly within the region, which has been temporarily titled "Big Toe Peak", a ridged and shriveled syncline mound, that appears to have flopped over, due to lack of solid mass. There did seem to be a trickling stream, however no waterfall or forceful fluid activity occurred during the lengthy study.
Research is still being conducted on this entity, however the scientists considered possible geothermal eruptions, "Doubtful, if not slightly pitiful."
